Saturday, March 22, 2008

O-boy

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here! Team Camwell has taken over, but I didn't want to give this blog up. It would be like admitting that I'm no longer an oboist--only a mom. Some days I feel dangerously close to acquiring the title of "used to be an oboist". I'm so in baby zone, I don't know what else to talk to people about. It's been three weeks since I've touched my instrument. Then, it was just to play along with the high school students (oboe/bassoon) I teach on Tuesday mornings. It doesn't help that I have no symphony music to work on. It doesn't help that on nights like tonight, when we're "trying" putting Harry to bed with a bottle (not "with" the bottle) instead of me nursing him because my mom is coming to help out in April, and there will be many nights I will be in Cedar Rapids when she'll have to put him to bed without me here. So although I love being the provider for my baby, I feel like I'm attached...I can't be away from him for more than two hours. I honestly thought I'd be ok with that, and that I wouldn't mind sacrificing my career to be a mom. What career, really? I'm a part-time musician at best these days, anyway. But I know 100% that my musicianship has suffered. I'm a little scared to practice for fear of what I'll hear. I now belong to a ladies' musical club (very la-dee-da, and I love it), and they've asked me to play something in two weeks. This is the first time most of them (all except three of them) will hear me play. And I will sound like dog poo.

OK, I'm a little down.

5 comments:

Patty said...

I so well remember those days, Jillian. Trust me, it doesn't stay that way. My only practice time when the children were young was on stage at rehearsals! I was grateful for rehearsals so I could actually get some playing done. But I knew I could sound better.

Eventually I got my life back. Really and truly.

Hang in there! :-)

Jillian said...

Thanks, Patty! I practiced today...for 15 minutes.

Patty said...

Heh. My kids are all grown, and yet I didn't practice for even 15 minutes today. Hmm. Something's wrong with this picture! :-(

Anyhoo, hope you are feeling a bit happier about things today ..?

Mary K Swaffield said...

Awww I totally feel your pain! It will get better, I promise! I remember feeling like I was crossed off of everyones "call" list after I got pregnant with Cohen... and to be honest, I did really have to fight my way back ON the list... practicing - I forced myself back then to play SOMETHING every day - even if it was just a few minutes of my favourite melody. Anything. And gradually as the months went by, a few minutes became 20, etc etc. To be honest, I have rarely ever practiced longer than 1 hour/day since I became a mom... really, it's more like an hour a week, if that. But I practice much more efficiently now :) And to be honest, I can't believe how much my musicianship has IMPROVED over the years, considering how little I practice. It's like, somehow I can get right to the proverbial "point" of the music now, no time to mess around!

It'll get better. Promise. And you'll always be a musician... even if you don't feel like it.

Jill Cathey said...

Glad you are keeping up this blog - I have my "music" blog and my "family" blog (modeled after Patty!) and it is funny how one always seems to dominate. Sounds like you have a great season coming up next year - you will be amazed at how different things will be in a few months! I remember my first rehearsal (only an hour - I was playing bells at church) and left the baby with about a gallon of pumped milk and the little bottles etc with my husband. I was so excited I cleaned/organized the kitchen - this was my first "me" time since he was born. I put all the bottle stuff together in the nursery, since that is where I pump the milk, but Jim got home and I had to leave right away. When I got home, the whole house was demolished (drawers out, contents spilled everywhere) because he couldn't find the bottles! I felt terrible - the baby had finally fallen asleep but he basically missed his feeding. I couldn't believe my engineer husband didn't think of dipping a cloth (or a finger!) in the milk, or using sterilized tubing with a pin prick or something. Kinda funny now (Daniel is 6), but at the time it was awful.